See You Laters

I hate goodbyes. I am not good with goodbyes. I don't do goodbyes. Goodbye sounds like something is ending, like I will never see you again. "See you later" should always be said instead. At least that is what I tell myself when a goodbye is needed. 

This is a season of see you laters.

As I type this, a lot of emotions swell up. I want to cry, but my tear ducts have been on strike from overworking since last week. I am still processing some of those messy feelings, trying to fight it, telling myself I'm okay. And I know I am. But I am also not on some days. Saying goodbye to the Chan family has got to be one of the hardest "see you laters" in my life. The impact they have on our family is beyond description. James, Ninja and I miss them so so much. They were family here. I don't think any of the California tourism commercials were nearly as effective as the Chans' relocation. One move from the Chans guaranteed trucks full of future visitors! 

Anyways, I don't think I can ever really explain all the things I feel. Even the 3 page single-paged letter I wrote to them! To be honest, I think I am still coping and figuring things out. I actually wrote several other posts before this one. But I guess they just never felt right to post. They were all too sad, and I guess too "me-focused." But I see very clearly of how God is using this time to mold me. To remind me of His goodness. To see Him. And I see how He has brought me from a place of grief to a place of gratitude. Now every time I miss them, I am instantly overwhelmed by God's grace and a heart filled with thankfulness. "All glory to God!" as the Chans reminded me one last time before their departure to the golden state. 

I am amazed how much one can learn and grow just by being in the presence of somebody. And I feel so incredibly blessed that I was able to do life with them in such close proximity. As I looked back on my own story, I remember a time when I fought God and refused to move here. But God chose this place for me and called me to this city, to live in this building, and made me neighbor of some pretty amazing people, who just happen to love dogs! Yes, bonus points there! I look back and I see God's footprints all over. And as He writes my story, I continue to see God's goodness in my life. So, as much as this hurts at the moment, I don't think I would change a thing. Because I know He is good. 

So Chans, if you are reading... I will leave you with the only appropriate thing that seems to describe what I cannot.  

15 Ever since I first heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for God’s people everywhere,[e] 16 I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, 17 asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom[f] and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. 18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.[g]19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power 20 that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 21 Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. 22 God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. 23 And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

#TBT Struggles & Snuggles

I have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I begged and begged growing up with my own version of the puppy face, but it never worked. I can only conclude that it must not have been very cute and it had the opposite effect. If anything, it made my parents' resolve even stronger. They would say, "You can get one when you have your own place." So... that's exactly what I did! Two months after settling into our new condo, James and I got a puppy. MY first puppy!

I am pretty sure I watched all the Dog Whisperers there is to watch in the 2 months prior to Ninja's arrival, along with all the dog training shows on Animal Planet. I would go play with my friends' dogs and even watched them bring home and train a new puppy, the sweetest little boxer! So I thought, ok, I can totally do this!! But sure enough, things never go as planned and the unexpected happens.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Ninja was not your average cute and cuddly puppy. Most of my memories of baby Ninja were that of fear and anxiety with an occasional mix of tears and frustration. I just did not understand how an adorable little pup could be so terrifying. He would bark aggressively at us out of the blue and would bite our feet and run. Forget flip flops, I needed some heavy duty boots! The attacks were so unpredictable and they really scared me! No amount of Dog Whisperer could prepare us for those first few months. We thought we could be calm and assertive. We thought wrong. Knowing how to react and actually reacting are two very different things.

Not only would Ninja nip at us, he would growl at us when we tried to feed him. On top of that, he was terrified at a lot of things, especially shiny floors and enclosed spaces. We had to lay down paths for him out of towels and pillows so he could move around our home. Don't forget to add pee stains and shredded messes to the growing list of frustrations. James and I were stressed out of our minds. With me being the one who was home with him all day, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Let's just say there were a lot of frantic Googling of "My dog is doing (insert behavior here), what do I do?" Way more work than expected and much harder than I thought. (Can't even imagine what it's like with a human baby!)

In the midst of the all the existing problems, James and I also argued a lot over the way we disciplined and trained Ninja. It did not help that we were mentally drained most of the time. But it's funny how conflicts work. It has the power to either divide us or bring us closer. And that was definitely one of the biggest lessons for us early on in our marriage. We had to learn to compromise and stick together in our decisions and training methods. James and I prayed long and hard for unity, patience and perseverance. We bought tons of dog training books and read an insane amount of articles on frustration biting. We even considered seeking the Dog Whisperer himself for help! But through this whole experience and all the obstacles, we all learned to communicate better (yes, Ninja included!) and we grew in our family because of it. I think sometimes it is through struggles that we experience true intimacy. That is certainly the case for our home. 

But looking back, I just see a scared and insecure puppy who was separated from everything he knew. His siblings, his parents, his familiar surroundings, and even down to his diet! Things started to look up when we decided to feed him from our hands (It is a trust building exercise suggested by one of Victoria Stilwell's It's Me or the Dog episodes. It's to let them know that your hands are hands that provide) We had to do a lot of these trainings but eventually all the biting, growling and barking stopped. From being a fearful frustrated pup to being an overjoyed happy-go-lucky dog! A complete 180! The transformation was amazing and it gives me a lot of hope each time I think about it. It is definitely a reminder that we are all a work in progress. We all carry a lot baggage and insecurities with us. But like Ninja, sometimes we just need to learn how to trust and know that someone is providing for us even when we don't feel like it's true, and to understand that we are loved deeply and unconditionally. You will be surprised what a difference it makes when you embrace that truth. I see that change in Ninja. And I see it in me. 

Haha, I can probably go on for another 5 paragraphs on how much I love Ninja, but I won't do that. I probably sound crazy enough already. I am just glad that everything worked out for the good (though it did not feel like it would back then). James and I can't imagine our family without Ninja and my "first dog" experience has been nothing but a joy and a blessing. If I could go back in time (knowing all the hardships waiting in store for me), I would gladly do it all over again. 

Romans 8:28 

Food Attempt: Chai Tea from scratch

I have been constantly craving chai tea since the start of spring. I remember trying my friend Jane's homemade chai tea 2 Thanksgivings ago and it was amaaazzzing! However, the thought of making chai tea from scratch (or anything for that matter) sounded so overwhelming. So I never tried to make it myself. Instead I would secretly hope that someone would make it for the next get together or holiday party. 

I went through several containers of Trader Joe's spicy chai tea latte, but my tastebuds are becoming harder and harder to please. No longer satisfied by the powdered mixes, I decided to ask for the recipe. Above are my results of another attempt at making edible things!

Major takeaway from this experience:

1. Cardamom seeds look like mini poops. 

2. Sometimes things can sound more intimidating than they really are. 

Anyways, happy weekend!