Before finding out about the new addition, I had always wanted to do a family photoshoot with our first baby, the furry one. So when James and I decided to take some (human) baby announcement photos, we thought it would be great to spend some of that time capturing life as a family of three. It has been the three of us for so long and we just want to look back one day and remember this time as it is so very special to us. But we are ready (or as ready as we are?) and looking forward to being a family of four!
On a different note, here's a little letter I wrote on one of my many many sleepless nights (which I say it's God's way of preparing a pregnant woman for motherhood...)
Hello Baby,
I haven't officially met you yet, but I love you already. My life has changed since the day I found out about you. It has been a roller coaster ride of different emotions. For the most part, I am excited and each day grows with the anticipation of your arrival. I am not going to lie though, some days can be quite difficult. The physical toll on my body can be a challenge, but they are also a constant reminder that something greater than myself is happening. I am grateful for this time. At 7 weeks, I saw your beating heart. You were so tiny and I kept calling you a gummy bear. I will never forget that moment of seeing you for the first time. At 12 weeks, I saw you again. This time you were much bigger and you were bouncing around quite a bit. Now at 18 weeks, you are kicking me precisely at 10:30pm every night. But it's times like these that make my discomfort all worth it.
I simply cannot contain myself sometimes. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to watch you grow and see you discover the joy of the simplest of things. I also can't wait for you to meet your big brother. He may look a little different than the rest of us, perhaps a bit hairier, but nevertheless he is family and we love him. Please be patient as he will now have to share all the attention with you. It is going to take some time for him to adjust. He has spent the last 4 years working his way to the top of the pack only to see his spot replaced by someone much younger. You get it. But boy, once you get to know him, he will be the most loving friend you will ever have. I promise. Also, as a warning, he does not like having stickers stuck on him. But don't you worry, I have already begun the desensitizing process. I am sure he will come around by the time of your arrival. And your dad. Well, he is excited to meet you too. Even if his expression is the same as always. But he is excited. He is already a proud father. When we saw you bouncing around at 12 weeks, he leaned over, smiled, and said you were an athletic one. Don't feel pressured to have to play sports or anything though, okay? You can always do arts and craft with me (which I will probably make you do anyway.) Kidding not kidding?
Baby Chi, You are so loved already. Everyone is overjoyed that you will be joining us. There are so many aunties and uncles who have been lifting you up in prayer. You will get to meet them all one day soon. I know I have said this already, but you are SO loved. Please don't ever forget that.
Okay, I guess I should at least try to fall asleep. I will write to you again soon. Rest well and be healthy, little one!
Love always,
Mom (which sounds so strange, but I guess it's a name I will have to get used to!)
* Special thanks to our dear friend Nic from N3Lau Photography! *
I have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I begged and begged growing up with my own version of the puppy face, but it never worked. I can only conclude that it must not have been very cute and it had the opposite effect. If anything, it made my parents' resolve even stronger. They would say, "You can get one when you have your own place." So... that's exactly what I did! Two months after settling into our new condo, James and I got a puppy. MY first puppy!
I am pretty sure I watched all the Dog Whisperers there is to watch in the 2 months prior to Ninja's arrival, along with all the dog training shows on Animal Planet. I would go play with my friends' dogs and even watched them bring home and train a new puppy, the sweetest little boxer! So I thought, ok, I can totally do this!! But sure enough, things never go as planned and the unexpected happens.
As I mentioned in my earlier post, Ninja was not your average cute and cuddly puppy. Most of my memories of baby Ninja were that of fear and anxiety with an occasional mix of tears and frustration. I just did not understand how an adorable little pup could be so terrifying. He would bark aggressively at us out of the blue and would bite our feet and run. Forget flip flops, I needed some heavy duty boots! The attacks were so unpredictable and they really scared me! No amount of Dog Whisperer could prepare us for those first few months. We thought we could be calm and assertive. We thought wrong. Knowing how to react and actually reacting are two very different things.
Not only would Ninja nip at us, he would growl at us when we tried to feed him. On top of that, he was terrified at a lot of things, especially shiny floors and enclosed spaces. We had to lay down paths for him out of towels and pillows so he could move around our home. Don't forget to add pee stains and shredded messes to the growing list of frustrations. James and I were stressed out of our minds. With me being the one who was home with him all day, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Let's just say there were a lot of frantic Googling of "My dog is doing (insert behavior here), what do I do?" Way more work than expected and much harder than I thought. (Can't even imagine what it's like with a human baby!)
In the midst of the all the existing problems, James and I also argued a lot over the way we disciplined and trained Ninja. It did not help that we were mentally drained most of the time. But it's funny how conflicts work. It has the power to either divide us or bring us closer. And that was definitely one of the biggest lessons for us early on in our marriage. We had to learn to compromise and stick together in our decisions and training methods. James and I prayed long and hard for unity, patience and perseverance. We bought tons of dog training books and read an insane amount of articles on frustration biting. We even considered seeking the Dog Whisperer himself for help! But through this whole experience and all the obstacles, we all learned to communicate better (yes, Ninja included!) and we grew in our family because of it. I think sometimes it is through struggles that we experience true intimacy. That is certainly the case for our home.
But looking back, I just see a scared and insecure puppy who was separated from everything he knew. His siblings, his parents, his familiar surroundings, and even down to his diet! Things started to look up when we decided to feed him from our hands (It is a trust building exercise suggested by one of Victoria Stilwell's It's Me or the Dog episodes. It's to let them know that your hands are hands that provide) We had to do a lot of these trainings but eventually all the biting, growling and barking stopped. From being a fearful frustrated pup to being an overjoyed happy-go-lucky dog! A complete 180! The transformation was amazing and it gives me a lot of hope each time I think about it. It is definitely a reminder that we are all a work in progress. We all carry a lot baggage and insecurities with us. But like Ninja, sometimes we just need to learn how to trust and know that someone is providing for us even when we don't feel like it's true, and to understand that we are loved deeply and unconditionally. You will be surprised what a difference it makes when you embrace that truth. I see that change in Ninja. And I see it in me.
Haha, I can probably go on for another 5 paragraphs on how much I love Ninja, but I won't do that. I probably sound crazy enough already. I am just glad that everything worked out for the good (though it did not feel like it would back then). James and I can't imagine our family without Ninja and my "first dog" experience has been nothing but a joy and a blessing. If I could go back in time (knowing all the hardships waiting in store for me), I would gladly do it all over again.
Romans 8:28
The past two days were as physically exhausting as they were emotional. Dropping off the baby sis at college was a big deal. Not only for my parents, but for me as well. Maybe it is because she is my best friend, or maybe because I am 9 years older, but my protective instinct was turned at its maximum.
Emotions were running high from the moment we got in the car at 4am in the morning. "Make sure you take vitamins,""make sure you eat when you are hungry," "get enough sleep," "find a fellowship," "see a doctor when you are sick," and an endless list of other parental advices for the college freshman. I had to interrupt and put a pause in their worry listings, because to be honest, it was kind of stress inducing (we have not even left our driveway yet at this point!) We were all tired, all full of thoughts, and we all had a different way of dealing with it. I think I was just emotionally unstable majority of the time. Driving by a tree could potentially make me burst into tears.
The move itself went exceptionally smooth. God was so good to us. Forecast said it was supposed to rain. But it didn't until we were all moved in. I worried for my parents' backs. Sister was not feeling well. And I am just not all that strong. But our family didn't have to do a thing. This young man went to check out a cart for us to move stuff in (even though he wasn't supposed to,) and the Penn State football team just happened to walk by and carried everything for us. My mom would later pray and thank God for the army of muscular angels. "God is good. God is good." Those are the words my mom repeated throughout the trip. And indeed God IS good!
I am not so good with goodbyes. And Letting go was really hard. I don't think I ever want my future kids to go to college. (Just kidding, James) But really, I was wondering why I was having such a hard time letting my sister go. I thought long and hard, and I think I've found my answer.
My sister means a lot to me. I don't think I would be where I am without her. God has blessed me with a baby sister who's fearfully and wonderfully made. God has used her again and again to shape me without her even realizing it. She has taught me how to forgive and what it looks like to be forgiven. She keeps me accountable in my actions both at church and at home. She teaches me how to share and to give freely. I love that she sees the world so differently than me and always challenges me to see things from other perspectives. I love her big big heart for people and the selfless side of her that people don't always see. She keeps things to herself and ponders deep thoughts in her heart. No matter how busy she is, she will always make time for people. She is a loyal friend and she cares and loves more than she shows. She always amazes me and I think most people don't give her enough credit for all the things she does right. And I am SO proud of her.
I am really sad that I won't get to see her as often, and I will miss our hang out times together. Family dinners will not be the same. A big part of me is scared of losing our friendship and closeness because of the distance. But I am so excited for this journey for her. Like mom and dad, I worry for all the unknown and uncertainties ahead. I worry for her choices, I worry for the friends she will make, and the list goes on. But I also know she is well taken care of. So I worry but I do not worry. God has shown his goodness yesterday, today, and will continue to tomorrow and the day after. So instead of worrying about losing what we have now, I will look forward to a new season of friendship and closeness with her. It may or may not look the same, but I am excited to see to how our relationship will grow from here on out.
If I am rambling, it is because I am crying my eyeballs out right now and James keeps showing me cute animal videos to cheer me up.
Janie,
If you are reading, Mom, dad and I miss you a lot already. Home is always waiting and we are a phone call away. You are so loved and we are all so proud of you. And sorry for the sappiness! #sorrynotsorry
Happy anniversary to me and the Mr.! Wow! I cannot believe it has been 3 years already! Time really does fly! It has been a joy being the Mrs. and James makes it so easy for me to feel that way. As I look back on our 3 years, there have definitely been times of challenge and conflict. But there's a whole lot of love and reconciliation as well. And I see God at work every single time.
In my first year of marriage, "Failure" was the thought that came up a lot. I had NO idea how to cook, clean or maintain a home. To make things harder, we had black floors and a fluffy dog whose fur fell like endless confetti (and continues to fall at this very moment!) Our home was cluttered and I was always anxious about cleaning. When it came to meal times, hello ramen noodles! I had no idea what I was doing. I felt unprepared, ashamed and that I failed as a wife. But God knew what He was doing when he paired me up with James, the most laid-back, low maintenance guy I have ever met. Not only does he love ramen noodles, he also enjoys eating my homecooked "meals" (which in reality are more like experiments...) He never complained once about my lack of apron skills and he encouraged me each time I stepped into the kitchen. With the support of hubby, easy recipes from Pinterest, and the lovely neighbors who shared with me their cooking secrets, my confidence slowly grew. I still cannot say that I cook daily... and a part of me is still sad to admit that. But I am getting there! I guess I am proud to say that we only carry small packages of ramen in our pantry, not the bulk sized boxes like before! You know, just to make sure we do not go into relapse. One baby step at a time, right?
Honestly, the years are blending together. I cannot remember the specifics that happened each year, but I remember being challenged constantly in our communications with one another. The way we show appreciation, the way we show respect, the way we deal with conflicts, even the way we parent our furry baby! I think all that refining has really grown us as a couple. As I recall the difficulties that came our way, I see even more clearly of God's grace and how He truly is the one who sustains us (especially in a marriage of 2 very flawed and broken individuals.)
I am so grateful that I get to learn and grow with my best friend. I love all the little things James does for me. Kissing me on the forehead every morning before he leaves for work, holding my hand on our family walks with Ninja, praying over me when I'm sick or scared, or jumping out of bed at 3 a.m. because his wife is terrorized by a house centipede in the living room.
So yeah, life as a wife is pretty great and I am very blessed to have James in my life. I look forward to celebrating many more anniversaries with my favorite guy. But for now, happy 3 years to us!
If you know me, you would know that I love having one-on-one conversations with people. The kinds that go late into the night, accompanied by a hot cup of tea. I guess that is my grown up version of the slumber party talks. I just love the fact that I get to go beyond the typical "How are you? I am fine" and dive straight into the lives of the people I care about.
Lately in my conversations with friends, I have been hearing all sorts of exciting news and travel adventures. But when asked in return, "And how are things with you?" I find myself feeling lost and uncertain. For as long as I remember, I have been replying with a nonchalant "same." But I think my apathetic attitude has slowly turned into a discontent one. Perhaps somewhere deep inside, I knew I was made for more than this.
I am a dreamer. Call me crazy, but I want to change the world. I want my life to count for something. The one thing I don't want is to waste the precious time God has given me. And sometimes I feel like I am doing exactly that. I want to do something big, but often end up feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed. Maybe my attitude needs to change, more does not mean bigger. Over the weekend, I was once again reminded that our God is extraordinary and that anything he is involved in, including our day-to-day can also be extraordinary (if we choose to see it that way). He never asked me to do anything BIG, just to be obedient and faithful over those little things. So maybe it's time for me to rethink those ordinary moments and live them out as best as I can.
"Don't underestimate the importance of the ordinary moments: The repetition of the day-to-day matters because change often happens in the places we most easily brush off. We develop eyes to see when we practice the discipline of contentment and gratitude, and we begin to find that those seemingly insignificant places are soaked with God and that this is where the simple becomes extraordinary."
You can read the full article here. It's a good read. ^_^
