Since there's a baby on my lap and no time for "real" paragraphs, here are some of my jumbled thoughts in bullet points.
- First and foremost. God is faithful. After 20+ hours of labor, an induction that I had not planned (more like a decision I really struggled with), and a baby who's as tiny as a bean, everyone came out healthy. James included. Let's just say no one passed out witnessing mother nature.
- I married a very patient man. From food craving runs to shushing a screaming newborn to sleep. My husband has endless patience and his love for his family never ceases to amaze me. I am a total maniac in comparison... which leads me to my next point.
- Being a mother has revealed my shortcomings like never before. Imagine all the things that can possibly put you in a bad mood happening all at once. Nothing tests you like being in pain, sleep deprived, hungry, covered in poop and being screamed at all at the same time. But then one cute smile from your baby somehow makes you forget all that went wrong. It also makes you pray that much harder for God to intervene and change your heart.
- I gave birth to a wild woman. I have a daughter who grunts like a caveman and pinches like a crab. Her actions and noises make us laugh, then worried, then they would send us into a state of panic with frantic Google searches. She is also the cutest thing ever but I am very biased.
- I didn't know what multi-tasking was until I had a child. There's nothing like rocking a baby with your left arm, googling with your right hand, petting Ninja with your left foot and picking things off the floor with your right toes. All while making shushing sounds with your mouth.
- Changing diapers is like defusing a bomb. From the moment you open it up, you have approximately 10 seconds to do your thing, change it and close it up as fast as possible. But chances are you won't make it. 8 out of 10 times, you will get peed or pooped on. Often both at the same time. Maybe I am just bad at this... or maybe my baby thinks it's funny and does it on purpose. I am thinking the latter.
- The female body is incredible. Being able to grow a baby, somehow getting it out and then providing sustenance for it after birth? Wow. Just wow. No wonder the postpartum body looks the way that it does. I am adjusting to my new body and I am trying to embrace a few of those extra "gifts" I got from pregnancy. From stretch marks to extra inches here and there to a completely new shoe size. But every "new" that appears is a reminder of the incredible journey and miracle that took place and I am proud of that.
- I have awesome friends and I love them. I can't even list out all the things that my friends had done from the time I got pregnant to the moment I came home with the baby. The prayers that were lifted up, the encouraging messages I received, the dishes that were cleaned, and the meals that were delivered (and definitely many many more!) James and I are so thankful for the community that we get to come home to and we are blessed to have our daughter grow up in such a place.
In the end, all I can say about my pregnancy is that God carried me.
Hi Baby girl (Yes! It's a girl!),
I can't believe it is only weeks away from your arrival! Time has flown by and I still cannot wrap my mind around how fast this is all happening. I am so excited, yet so nervous! Nervous about how you are going to come into this world and how I will handle the physical pain as well as all the changes you will bring into my life. Just so you know, my pain tolerance is basically nonexistent... so we will see! As it is getting closer to the due date, I find myself feeling more anxious. But time and time again, I find myself running back to God, my ultimate comforter. I am entering into uncharted territory and I am seriously relearning what it means to trust and walk by faith. So baby, you are already stretching me (physically and spiritually!) and pushing me to grow in so many ways. I am truly grateful for this time and I know it will be a lifelong learning process (for all of us). I know it will be a huge adjustment for you as well, so get ready! We will do this together.
At 37 weeks, you are running out of room. And I can feel every single one of your twists and turns, especially those insane karate kicks and chops of yours. I often feel like I am getting beat up from the inside! But it's funny how they kind of make me happy too. Weird, isn't it? Besides the expected aches/pains, the summer heat makes things pretty rough. But I will endure, for as long as you are healthy and cozy in there, I am happy to be your home.
On another note, your room (more like your corner) is complete! It has been a joy putting together your little dwelling place and I can't wait to spend time with you there (oh and definitely Ninja too since he has already claimed the rug...)
Aaahh! I can't wait to meet you! See you soon! Please go easy on me and come out as fast as you can, okay? Thanks!
Love,
Mom
Before finding out about the new addition, I had always wanted to do a family photoshoot with our first baby, the furry one. So when James and I decided to take some (human) baby announcement photos, we thought it would be great to spend some of that time capturing life as a family of three. It has been the three of us for so long and we just want to look back one day and remember this time as it is so very special to us. But we are ready (or as ready as we are?) and looking forward to being a family of four!
On a different note, here's a little letter I wrote on one of my many many sleepless nights (which I say it's God's way of preparing a pregnant woman for motherhood...)
Hello Baby,
I haven't officially met you yet, but I love you already. My life has changed since the day I found out about you. It has been a roller coaster ride of different emotions. For the most part, I am excited and each day grows with the anticipation of your arrival. I am not going to lie though, some days can be quite difficult. The physical toll on my body can be a challenge, but they are also a constant reminder that something greater than myself is happening. I am grateful for this time. At 7 weeks, I saw your beating heart. You were so tiny and I kept calling you a gummy bear. I will never forget that moment of seeing you for the first time. At 12 weeks, I saw you again. This time you were much bigger and you were bouncing around quite a bit. Now at 18 weeks, you are kicking me precisely at 10:30pm every night. But it's times like these that make my discomfort all worth it.
I simply cannot contain myself sometimes. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to watch you grow and see you discover the joy of the simplest of things. I also can't wait for you to meet your big brother. He may look a little different than the rest of us, perhaps a bit hairier, but nevertheless he is family and we love him. Please be patient as he will now have to share all the attention with you. It is going to take some time for him to adjust. He has spent the last 4 years working his way to the top of the pack only to see his spot replaced by someone much younger. You get it. But boy, once you get to know him, he will be the most loving friend you will ever have. I promise. Also, as a warning, he does not like having stickers stuck on him. But don't you worry, I have already begun the desensitizing process. I am sure he will come around by the time of your arrival. And your dad. Well, he is excited to meet you too. Even if his expression is the same as always. But he is excited. He is already a proud father. When we saw you bouncing around at 12 weeks, he leaned over, smiled, and said you were an athletic one. Don't feel pressured to have to play sports or anything though, okay? You can always do arts and craft with me (which I will probably make you do anyway.) Kidding not kidding?
Baby Chi, You are so loved already. Everyone is overjoyed that you will be joining us. There are so many aunties and uncles who have been lifting you up in prayer. You will get to meet them all one day soon. I know I have said this already, but you are SO loved. Please don't ever forget that.
Okay, I guess I should at least try to fall asleep. I will write to you again soon. Rest well and be healthy, little one!
Love always,
Mom (which sounds so strange, but I guess it's a name I will have to get used to!)
* Special thanks to our dear friend Nic from N3Lau Photography! *
The past two days were as physically exhausting as they were emotional. Dropping off the baby sis at college was a big deal. Not only for my parents, but for me as well. Maybe it is because she is my best friend, or maybe because I am 9 years older, but my protective instinct was turned at its maximum.
Emotions were running high from the moment we got in the car at 4am in the morning. "Make sure you take vitamins,""make sure you eat when you are hungry," "get enough sleep," "find a fellowship," "see a doctor when you are sick," and an endless list of other parental advices for the college freshman. I had to interrupt and put a pause in their worry listings, because to be honest, it was kind of stress inducing (we have not even left our driveway yet at this point!) We were all tired, all full of thoughts, and we all had a different way of dealing with it. I think I was just emotionally unstable majority of the time. Driving by a tree could potentially make me burst into tears.
The move itself went exceptionally smooth. God was so good to us. Forecast said it was supposed to rain. But it didn't until we were all moved in. I worried for my parents' backs. Sister was not feeling well. And I am just not all that strong. But our family didn't have to do a thing. This young man went to check out a cart for us to move stuff in (even though he wasn't supposed to,) and the Penn State football team just happened to walk by and carried everything for us. My mom would later pray and thank God for the army of muscular angels. "God is good. God is good." Those are the words my mom repeated throughout the trip. And indeed God IS good!
I am not so good with goodbyes. And Letting go was really hard. I don't think I ever want my future kids to go to college. (Just kidding, James) But really, I was wondering why I was having such a hard time letting my sister go. I thought long and hard, and I think I've found my answer.
My sister means a lot to me. I don't think I would be where I am without her. God has blessed me with a baby sister who's fearfully and wonderfully made. God has used her again and again to shape me without her even realizing it. She has taught me how to forgive and what it looks like to be forgiven. She keeps me accountable in my actions both at church and at home. She teaches me how to share and to give freely. I love that she sees the world so differently than me and always challenges me to see things from other perspectives. I love her big big heart for people and the selfless side of her that people don't always see. She keeps things to herself and ponders deep thoughts in her heart. No matter how busy she is, she will always make time for people. She is a loyal friend and she cares and loves more than she shows. She always amazes me and I think most people don't give her enough credit for all the things she does right. And I am SO proud of her.
I am really sad that I won't get to see her as often, and I will miss our hang out times together. Family dinners will not be the same. A big part of me is scared of losing our friendship and closeness because of the distance. But I am so excited for this journey for her. Like mom and dad, I worry for all the unknown and uncertainties ahead. I worry for her choices, I worry for the friends she will make, and the list goes on. But I also know she is well taken care of. So I worry but I do not worry. God has shown his goodness yesterday, today, and will continue to tomorrow and the day after. So instead of worrying about losing what we have now, I will look forward to a new season of friendship and closeness with her. It may or may not look the same, but I am excited to see to how our relationship will grow from here on out.
If I am rambling, it is because I am crying my eyeballs out right now and James keeps showing me cute animal videos to cheer me up.
Janie,
If you are reading, Mom, dad and I miss you a lot already. Home is always waiting and we are a phone call away. You are so loved and we are all so proud of you. And sorry for the sappiness! #sorrynotsorry
So last week, a casual texting with a designer friend sparked a very interesting yet profound conversation. She and I had both been working on projects that deal with issues of social justice. The amount of depressing facts and shocking statistics we are exposed to can be extremely overwhelming, especially for those of us who go in thinking we are just going to design a flyer or two. It is easy for us to be affected by all that negativity and pessimism, however, we need to learn to use it as motivation to drive our work and actions. We are not called to be ignorant of the injustices in the world. We are called to be world changers. And to start, we need to be aware of what's going on outside our comfortable bubbles. They may be statistical numbers that are hard to swallow or issues we don't want to believe are true. But we need to hear them.
Design and change. To me, those words go hand in hand. As a designer, I am fully aware of the impact great design can have and the extent of what it can do. Idealistically speaking, I believe it has the power to change the world. I have always understood the importance of art and design, but it wasn't made clear to me as to why until I took my first step into a world of charcoal dust, X-acto blades and hours of staring and drawing of naked body parts. Yup, art school.
Art has played a huge role throughout history. Propaganda posters, beautiful cathedrals, photojournalism and painted portraits, just to name a few. These were not only artistic expressions, but they were important means of communication. The one that has stood out to me is the origin of the stained glass windows. Stained glass windows were designed and used at Cathedral churches to communicate the gospel to the largely illiterate population at the time through the use of illustrated narratives of the bible. A picture is worth a thousand words? Yes, that was certainly true with this art form. The church saw a very real problem of reaching out and struggled to make the bible accessible to the common people. And the key to solving this problem was through the power of art and design! They came up with a solution with the people in mind and created something beautiful with function and purpose. Design is ultimately for the people. We designers are constantly observing the way people interact with their surroundings. The way we kern type on a newspaper based on how people read, the way we design UI/UX on devices based on how people move their fingers on a screen. We are always watching! (Haha, maybe that's why my friends always joke that I am watching them. I am either an observant designer, or your average everyday creeper. I would like to believe that I am the former...) We notice the need, and we come up with a well designed solution that is not only practical, but beautiful. We are observers, critical thinkers and creators. I believe this design thinking is crucial in making positive changes in today's world. A lot of people can say otherwise, but design matters.
Here's a great excerpt from Just Design that sums up all my rambling.
"Designers frequently describe themselves as "problem-solvers." We apply our creative talents to finding new and appropriately innovative solutions to common questions. These questions may include how to best articulate a corporate brand, how to connect with a particular audience or how to communicate across cultural boundaries. Sometimes the question may just be about how to sell the most widgets. Each of these are worthy pursuits and each involves a certain kind of problem solving – what Charles Eames described as "design addressing itself to the need." But now – just as in any age – there are problems that are larger than brands and consumers (and widgets). There are needs as fundamental as equality, water, education, community, peace, justice and hope. As designers, we work according to own interests and values (and/or those of our clients). When and where these motivations intersect with those of the broader profession and (more importantly) society as a whole, we realize the potential for our work to both be and do good."
So if you are like me who's passionate about making a difference through design, here are some great resources that have been very helpful in my quest for change. I am always on the hunt for additional materials, so feel free to let me know if you have any suggestions!
1. The Design Activist's Handbook: How to Change the World (Or at Least Your Part of It) with Socially Conscious Design by Noah Scalin and Michelle Taute (more info here)
2. Just Design: Socially Conscious Design for Critical Causes by Christopher Simmons (more info here)
3. Citizen Designer: Perspectives on Design Responsibility by Steven Heller and Veronique Vienne (more info here)
4. Designing For Social Change: Strategies for Community-Based Graphic Design by Andrew Shea (more info here)
5. Branding for Nonprofits by DK Holland (more info here)
6. Culture Making: Recovering Our Creative Calling by Andy Crouch (more info here)
7. Designing for the Greater Good: The Best of Non-Profit and Cause-Related Marketing and Nonprofit Design by Peleg Top and Jonathan Cleveland (more info here)
8. How to Give Half of Your Work for Free by Matthew Manos (more info here)
9. Do Good Design: How Design Can Change Our World by David Berman (more info here)
Happy reading!
If you know me, you would know that I love having one-on-one conversations with people. The kinds that go late into the night, accompanied by a hot cup of tea. I guess that is my grown up version of the slumber party talks. I just love the fact that I get to go beyond the typical "How are you? I am fine" and dive straight into the lives of the people I care about.
Lately in my conversations with friends, I have been hearing all sorts of exciting news and travel adventures. But when asked in return, "And how are things with you?" I find myself feeling lost and uncertain. For as long as I remember, I have been replying with a nonchalant "same." But I think my apathetic attitude has slowly turned into a discontent one. Perhaps somewhere deep inside, I knew I was made for more than this.
I am a dreamer. Call me crazy, but I want to change the world. I want my life to count for something. The one thing I don't want is to waste the precious time God has given me. And sometimes I feel like I am doing exactly that. I want to do something big, but often end up feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed. Maybe my attitude needs to change, more does not mean bigger. Over the weekend, I was once again reminded that our God is extraordinary and that anything he is involved in, including our day-to-day can also be extraordinary (if we choose to see it that way). He never asked me to do anything BIG, just to be obedient and faithful over those little things. So maybe it's time for me to rethink those ordinary moments and live them out as best as I can.
"Don't underestimate the importance of the ordinary moments: The repetition of the day-to-day matters because change often happens in the places we most easily brush off. We develop eyes to see when we practice the discipline of contentment and gratitude, and we begin to find that those seemingly insignificant places are soaked with God and that this is where the simple becomes extraordinary."
You can read the full article here. It's a good read. ^_^
