See You Laters

I hate goodbyes. I am not good with goodbyes. I don't do goodbyes. Goodbye sounds like something is ending, like I will never see you again. "See you later" should always be said instead. At least that is what I tell myself when a goodbye is needed. 

This is a season of see you laters.

As I type this, a lot of emotions swell up. I want to cry, but my tear ducts have been on strike from overworking since last week. I am still processing some of those messy feelings, trying to fight it, telling myself I'm okay. And I know I am. But I am also not on some days. Saying goodbye to the Chan family has got to be one of the hardest "see you laters" in my life. The impact they have on our family is beyond description. James, Ninja and I miss them so so much. They were family here. I don't think any of the California tourism commercials were nearly as effective as the Chans' relocation. One move from the Chans guaranteed trucks full of future visitors! 

Anyways, I don't think I can ever really explain all the things I feel. Even the 3 page single-paged letter I wrote to them! To be honest, I think I am still coping and figuring things out. I actually wrote several other posts before this one. But I guess they just never felt right to post. They were all too sad, and I guess too "me-focused." But I see very clearly of how God is using this time to mold me. To remind me of His goodness. To see Him. And I see how He has brought me from a place of grief to a place of gratitude. Now every time I miss them, I am instantly overwhelmed by God's grace and a heart filled with thankfulness. "All glory to God!" as the Chans reminded me one last time before their departure to the golden state. 

I am amazed how much one can learn and grow just by being in the presence of somebody. And I feel so incredibly blessed that I was able to do life with them in such close proximity. As I looked back on my own story, I remember a time when I fought God and refused to move here. But God chose this place for me and called me to this city, to live in this building, and made me neighbor of some pretty amazing people, who just happen to love dogs! Yes, bonus points there! I look back and I see God's footprints all over. And as He writes my story, I continue to see God's goodness in my life. So, as much as this hurts at the moment, I don't think I would change a thing. Because I know He is good. 

So Chans, if you are reading... I will leave you with the only appropriate thing that seems to describe what I cannot.  

15 Ever since I first heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for God’s people everywhere,[e] 16 I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, 17 asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom[f] and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. 18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.[g]19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power 20 that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 21 Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. 22 God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. 23 And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

#TBT Struggles & Snuggles

I have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I begged and begged growing up with my own version of the puppy face, but it never worked. I can only conclude that it must not have been very cute and it had the opposite effect. If anything, it made my parents' resolve even stronger. They would say, "You can get one when you have your own place." So... that's exactly what I did! Two months after settling into our new condo, James and I got a puppy. MY first puppy!

I am pretty sure I watched all the Dog Whisperers there is to watch in the 2 months prior to Ninja's arrival, along with all the dog training shows on Animal Planet. I would go play with my friends' dogs and even watched them bring home and train a new puppy, the sweetest little boxer! So I thought, ok, I can totally do this!! But sure enough, things never go as planned and the unexpected happens.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Ninja was not your average cute and cuddly puppy. Most of my memories of baby Ninja were that of fear and anxiety with an occasional mix of tears and frustration. I just did not understand how an adorable little pup could be so terrifying. He would bark aggressively at us out of the blue and would bite our feet and run. Forget flip flops, I needed some heavy duty boots! The attacks were so unpredictable and they really scared me! No amount of Dog Whisperer could prepare us for those first few months. We thought we could be calm and assertive. We thought wrong. Knowing how to react and actually reacting are two very different things.

Not only would Ninja nip at us, he would growl at us when we tried to feed him. On top of that, he was terrified at a lot of things, especially shiny floors and enclosed spaces. We had to lay down paths for him out of towels and pillows so he could move around our home. Don't forget to add pee stains and shredded messes to the growing list of frustrations. James and I were stressed out of our minds. With me being the one who was home with him all day, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Let's just say there were a lot of frantic Googling of "My dog is doing (insert behavior here), what do I do?" Way more work than expected and much harder than I thought. (Can't even imagine what it's like with a human baby!)

In the midst of the all the existing problems, James and I also argued a lot over the way we disciplined and trained Ninja. It did not help that we were mentally drained most of the time. But it's funny how conflicts work. It has the power to either divide us or bring us closer. And that was definitely one of the biggest lessons for us early on in our marriage. We had to learn to compromise and stick together in our decisions and training methods. James and I prayed long and hard for unity, patience and perseverance. We bought tons of dog training books and read an insane amount of articles on frustration biting. We even considered seeking the Dog Whisperer himself for help! But through this whole experience and all the obstacles, we all learned to communicate better (yes, Ninja included!) and we grew in our family because of it. I think sometimes it is through struggles that we experience true intimacy. That is certainly the case for our home. 

But looking back, I just see a scared and insecure puppy who was separated from everything he knew. His siblings, his parents, his familiar surroundings, and even down to his diet! Things started to look up when we decided to feed him from our hands (It is a trust building exercise suggested by one of Victoria Stilwell's It's Me or the Dog episodes. It's to let them know that your hands are hands that provide) We had to do a lot of these trainings but eventually all the biting, growling and barking stopped. From being a fearful frustrated pup to being an overjoyed happy-go-lucky dog! A complete 180! The transformation was amazing and it gives me a lot of hope each time I think about it. It is definitely a reminder that we are all a work in progress. We all carry a lot baggage and insecurities with us. But like Ninja, sometimes we just need to learn how to trust and know that someone is providing for us even when we don't feel like it's true, and to understand that we are loved deeply and unconditionally. You will be surprised what a difference it makes when you embrace that truth. I see that change in Ninja. And I see it in me. 

Haha, I can probably go on for another 5 paragraphs on how much I love Ninja, but I won't do that. I probably sound crazy enough already. I am just glad that everything worked out for the good (though it did not feel like it would back then). James and I can't imagine our family without Ninja and my "first dog" experience has been nothing but a joy and a blessing. If I could go back in time (knowing all the hardships waiting in store for me), I would gladly do it all over again. 

Romans 8:28 

Food Attempt: Chai Tea from scratch

I have been constantly craving chai tea since the start of spring. I remember trying my friend Jane's homemade chai tea 2 Thanksgivings ago and it was amaaazzzing! However, the thought of making chai tea from scratch (or anything for that matter) sounded so overwhelming. So I never tried to make it myself. Instead I would secretly hope that someone would make it for the next get together or holiday party. 

I went through several containers of Trader Joe's spicy chai tea latte, but my tastebuds are becoming harder and harder to please. No longer satisfied by the powdered mixes, I decided to ask for the recipe. Above are my results of another attempt at making edible things!

Major takeaway from this experience:

1. Cardamom seeds look like mini poops. 

2. Sometimes things can sound more intimidating than they really are. 

Anyways, happy weekend!

Baby Jane

The past two days were as physically exhausting as they were emotional. Dropping off the baby sis at college was a big deal. Not only for my parents, but for me as well. Maybe it is because she is my best friend, or maybe because I am 9 years older, but my protective instinct was turned at its maximum. 

Emotions were running high from the moment we got in the car at 4am in the morning. "Make sure you take vitamins,""make sure you eat when you are hungry," "get enough sleep," "find a fellowship," "see a doctor when you are sick," and an endless list of other parental advices for the college freshman. I had to interrupt and put a pause in their worry listings, because to be honest, it was kind of stress inducing (we have not even left our driveway yet at this point!) We were all tired, all full of thoughts, and we all had a different way of dealing with it. I think I was just emotionally unstable majority of the time. Driving by a tree could potentially make me burst into tears. 

The move itself went exceptionally smooth. God was so good to us. Forecast said it was supposed to rain. But it didn't until we were all moved in. I worried for my parents' backs. Sister was not feeling well. And I am just not all that strong. But our family didn't have to do a thing. This young man went to check out a cart for us to move stuff in (even though he wasn't supposed to,) and the Penn State football team just happened to walk by and carried everything for us. My mom would later pray and thank God for the army of muscular angels. "God is good. God is good." Those are the words my mom repeated throughout the trip. And indeed God IS good! 

I am not so good with goodbyes. And Letting go was really hard. I don't think I ever want my future kids to go to college. (Just kidding, James) But really, I was wondering why I was having such a hard time letting my sister go. I thought long and hard, and I think I've found my answer. 

My sister means a lot to me. I don't think I would be where I am without her. God has blessed me with a baby sister who's fearfully and wonderfully made. God has used her again and again to shape me without her even realizing it. She has taught me how to forgive and what it looks like to be forgiven. She keeps me accountable in my actions both at church and at home. She teaches me how to share and to give freely. I love that she sees the world so differently than me and always challenges me to see things from other perspectives. I love her big big heart for people and the selfless side of her that people don't always see. She keeps things to herself and ponders deep thoughts in her heart. No matter how busy she is, she will always make time for people. She is a loyal friend and she cares and loves more than she shows. She always amazes me and I think most people don't give her enough credit for all the things she does right. And I am SO proud of her. 

I am really sad that I won't get to see her as often, and I will miss our hang out times together. Family dinners will not be the same. A big part of me is scared of losing our friendship and closeness because of the distance. But I am so excited for this journey for her. Like mom and dad, I worry for all the unknown and uncertainties ahead. I worry for her choices, I worry for the friends she will make, and the list goes on. But I also know she is well taken care of. So I worry but I do not worry. God has shown his goodness yesterday, today, and will continue to tomorrow and the day after. So instead of worrying about losing what we have now, I will look forward to a new season of friendship and closeness with her. It may or may not look the same, but I am excited to see to how our relationship will grow from here on out. 

If I am rambling, it is because I am crying my eyeballs out right now and James keeps showing me cute animal videos to cheer me up. 

Janie, 
If you are reading, Mom, dad and I miss you a lot already. Home is always waiting and we are a phone call away. You are so loved and we are all so proud of you. And sorry for the sappiness! #sorrynotsorry

Walking with Trees

"Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees."

James and I were able to get a mini break this month to visit his family in Virginia. It is so nice to finally be here while the weather is still warm and sunny, as opposed to the winter months when we usually visit for the holidays. We were out and about almost every day, which made this past week fly by so quickly that I am having trouble remembering all the details. I do remember walking. A LOT. A lot of exercise for an inactive body like mine. 

We went to several different parks and trails in the area. Here's a super short recap of our time in the woods. 

- Surrounded by trees and enveloped by nature. Explored the woods with Ninja on his first hike and he LOVED it. 

- Ninja had his first real "Squirrel!" moment from the movie Up, which only confirmed that he is not to be trusted and can never ever be off leashed. We are not being dramatic when we say he almost jumped to his death by leaping off the overlook deck onto the tree branches. If James had not pulled him back at that moment...yikes!

- Played with Ninja on the jungle gym. Ninja went down his first slide (more like I pushed him down). Nevertheless, James and I were proud parents.

Everything's still a blur as of right now. Have not completely recovered from our long drive home yet. Ninja is pooped and passed out from last week's adventures. James is backed at work. For me? Well, I guess it's laundry time!

Our Furball of Joy

Taking care of this fluffy goofball is no easy task, but coming home everyday to this bundle of joy is worth it all. Meet Ninja. He is an abnormally long Siberian Husky, weighing at 58 lbs (yes, he is just mostly fur). He has beautiful brown eyes (like ours!) and a magic fur coat that just keeps on giving. He has been with us since he was a puppy and today's the day he turns 4! He has been such a blessing in our lives and we have learned so much just by loving and caring for this furry baby. He is always up to something and we always end up with hilarious stories to tell.

Since he is turning 4 today, here are 4 life lessons I've learned from Ninja:

1. Things are just things.

Sometimes you are reminded of how fleeting things are when you come home to the remains of your favorite pair of shoes. Shoes are things. I have learned to not get attached to them.

2. Encouragements are powerful.

Time and time again, I have seen Ninja overcome his fear of shiny floors, stairs, and even his own poop! Every time he is faced with an obstacle, a simple "You are okay. You can do it!" would be enough for him to conquer the fear at the moment. So don't be surprised if you ever hear me say, "You are okay. You can do it!" That's just my way of encouraging you. 

3. There's value in perseverance.

Ninja was a tiny terror when he was a puppy. He was not your average "awwww" puppy, he was our "eeeekkk" puppy. We can write out all the unwanted behaviors but we will spare you from that list. We were in over our heads and we even thought about giving up. But I am so glad we didn't. If we had, we would've missed out on all the awesome things that Ninja brings to our family. Looking back, I wouldn't trade a single moment, including those terrible ones. I think all of Ninja's rebelliousness forced us to love him even more. As someone very wise once said to me, "the hardest to love are often the ones that need love the most." I can now proudly say that Ninja is one of the sweetest and most loving dogs you will ever meet. 

4. Sometimes people should love more like dogs. 

Dogs are fiercely loyal. They love you unconditionally and they are one of the most forgiving creatures on earth. They are always ready to welcome you, excited to hang out with you, and always interested in what you are doing. They stay by your side when you are feeling down and they are ready to defend you when they sense you in trouble. They don't love you less for forgetting to take them out or leaving them home all day long. If people love that unconditionally, I think the world would be a better place. 

So with that I will end. Happy birthday, Ninja boy! Stay young! 

Food Attempt: Clam Chowder

Ok. Let's start by clarifying that I do not consider myself a cook. I mostly just rely on online recipes or easy recipes from friends. If I could choose, I would prefer you cooking for me. I am intimated by all things complicated in the kitchen (I pretty much shut down if there are more than 5 ingredients in a recipe), and the one thing that I am afraid to cook is seafood, specifically shellfish. I have had glimpses of my parents making lobsters and crabs several times, and they were some of the most traumatizing moments of my life. But the ironic thing is that I LOVE shellfish. I love shrimps, crabs, clams, lobsters, mussels, you name it. Those are some of my constant cravings. 

After a cookout over the weekend (which I was only in charge of making chicken wings), I ended up with a big bowl of leftover clams. I begged people to take it home with them at the end of the night but no one did. So I was left with a bunch of yummy clams and zero ideas as to what to do with them (besides reheating them in the microwave...) I searched and searched and finally stumbled upon this clam chowder recipe from the food network. See recipe here. 

Feeling courageous the next day, I decided to give it a try. Here are the results.

Voila! 

Despite of the multiple freak out moments during the process, I managed to make clam chowder from scratch! I ended up improvising majority of the recipe but I think it turned out pretty okay!

An Indigo Summer

Yay! Summer is here! I love summer, and it is by far my favorite season. It means lots of sun, dresses (or rompers), beaches and more! No excuses for not going outside anymore. Anyways, here are a few of my favorite summery things. A compilation of different textures and patterns.

Cynthia Rowley New York romper, Threshold Hand-dipped stoneware, Nate Berkus beach towel, and SOLO eyewear sunglasses.

If you have time, check out SOLO eyewear! They are a very cool company that gives back by partnering up with non-profits around the world. Every pair of sunglasses sold funds eye care for people in need. There are several other stores like this one, but I guess I will save those for another post in the future. =)

Have a great day, everyone!

Change by Design

So last week, a casual texting with a designer friend sparked a very interesting yet profound conversation. She and I had both been working on projects that deal with issues of social justice. The amount of depressing facts and shocking statistics we are exposed to can be extremely overwhelming, especially for those of us who go in thinking we are just going to design a flyer or two. It is easy for us to be affected by all that negativity and pessimism, however, we need to learn to use it as motivation to drive our work and actions. We are not called to be ignorant of the injustices in the world. We are called to be world changers. And to start, we need to be aware of what's going on outside our comfortable bubbles. They may be statistical numbers that are hard to swallow or issues we don't want to believe are true. But we need to hear them.

Design and change. To me, those words go hand in hand. As a designer, I am fully aware of the impact great design can have and the extent of what it can do. Idealistically speaking, I believe it has the power to change the world. I have always understood the importance of art and design, but it wasn't made clear to me as to why until I took my first step into a world of charcoal dust, X-acto blades and hours of staring and drawing of naked body parts. Yup, art school.

Art has played a huge role throughout history. Propaganda posters, beautiful cathedrals, photojournalism and painted portraits, just to name a few. These were not only artistic expressions, but they were important means of communication. The one that has stood out to me is the origin of the stained glass windows. Stained glass windows were designed and used at Cathedral churches to communicate the gospel to the largely illiterate population at the time through the use of illustrated narratives of the bible. A picture is worth a thousand words? Yes, that was certainly true with this art form. The church saw a very real problem of reaching out and struggled to make the bible accessible to the common people. And the key to solving this problem was through the power of art and design! They came up with a solution with the people in mind and created something beautiful with function and purpose. Design is ultimately for the people. We designers are constantly observing the way people interact with their surroundings. The way we kern type on a newspaper based on how people read, the way we design UI/UX on devices based on how people move their fingers on a screen. We are always watching! (Haha, maybe that's why my friends always joke that I am watching them. I am either an observant designer, or your average everyday creeper. I would like to believe that I am the former...) We notice the need, and we come up with a well designed solution that is not only practical, but beautiful. We are observers, critical thinkers and creators. I believe this design thinking is crucial in making positive changes in today's world. A lot of people can say otherwise, but design matters.

Here's a great excerpt from Just Design that sums up all my rambling.

"Designers frequently describe themselves as "problem-solvers." We apply our creative talents to finding new and appropriately innovative solutions to common questions. These questions may include how to best articulate a corporate brand, how to connect with a particular audience or how to communicate across cultural boundaries. Sometimes the question may just be about how to sell the most widgets. Each of these are worthy pursuits and each involves a certain kind of problem solving – what Charles Eames described as "design addressing itself to the need." But now – just as in any age – there are problems that are larger than brands and consumers (and widgets). There are needs as fundamental as equality, water, education, community, peace, justice and hope. As designers, we work according to own interests and values (and/or those of our clients). When and where these motivations intersect with those of the broader profession and (more importantly) society as a whole, we realize the potential for our work to both be and do good."

So if you are like me who's passionate about making a difference through design, here are some great resources that have been very helpful in my quest for change. I am always on the hunt for additional materials, so feel free to let me know if you have any suggestions!

1. The Design Activist's Handbook: How to Change the World (Or at Least Your Part of It) with Socially Conscious Design by Noah Scalin and Michelle Taute (more info here)
2. Just Design: Socially Conscious Design for Critical Causes by Christopher Simmons (more info here)
3. Citizen Designer: Perspectives on Design Responsibility by Steven Heller and Veronique Vienne (more info here)
4. Designing For Social Change: Strategies for Community-Based Graphic Design by Andrew Shea (more info here)
5. Branding for Nonprofits by DK Holland (more info here)
6. Culture Making: Recovering Our Creative Calling by Andy Crouch (more info here)
7. Designing for the Greater Good: The Best of Non-Profit and Cause-Related Marketing and Nonprofit Design by Peleg Top and Jonathan Cleveland (more info here)
8. How to Give Half of Your Work for Free by Matthew Manos (more info here)
9. Do Good Design: How Design Can Change Our World by David Berman (more info here)

Happy reading!

Life as a Wife

Happy anniversary to me and the Mr.! Wow! I cannot believe it has been 3 years already! Time really does fly! It has been a joy being the Mrs. and James makes it so easy for me to feel that way. As I look back on our 3 years, there have definitely been times of challenge and conflict. But there's a whole lot of love and reconciliation as well. And I see God at work every single time.

In my first year of marriage, "Failure" was the thought that came up a lot. I had NO idea how to cook, clean or maintain a home. To make things harder, we had black floors and a fluffy dog whose fur fell like endless confetti (and continues to fall at this very moment!) Our home was cluttered and I was always anxious about cleaning. When it came to meal times, hello ramen noodles! I had no idea what I was doing. I felt unprepared, ashamed and that I failed as a wife. But God knew what He was doing when he paired me up with James, the most laid-back, low maintenance guy I have ever met. Not only does he love ramen noodles, he also enjoys eating my homecooked "meals" (which in reality are more like experiments...) He never complained once about my lack of apron skills and he encouraged me each time I stepped into the kitchen. With the support of hubby, easy recipes from Pinterest, and the lovely neighbors who shared with me their cooking secrets, my confidence slowly grew. I still cannot say that I cook daily... and a part of me is still sad to admit that. But I am getting there! I guess I am proud to say that we only carry small packages of ramen in our pantry, not the bulk sized boxes like before! You know, just to make sure we do not go into relapse. One baby step at a time, right?

Honestly, the years are blending together. I cannot remember the specifics that happened each year, but I remember being challenged constantly in our communications with one another. The way we show appreciation, the way we show respect, the way we deal with conflicts, even the way we parent our furry baby! I think all that refining has really grown us as a couple. As I recall the difficulties that came our way, I see even more clearly of God's grace and how He truly is the one who sustains us (especially in a marriage of 2 very flawed and broken individuals.)

I am so grateful that I get to learn and grow with my best friend. I love all the little things James does for me. Kissing me on the forehead every morning before he leaves for work, holding my hand on our family walks with Ninja, praying over me when I'm sick or scared, or jumping out of bed at 3 a.m. because his wife is terrorized by a house centipede in the living room.

So yeah, life as a wife is pretty great and I am very blessed to have James in my life. I look forward to celebrating many more anniversaries with my favorite guy. But for now, happy 3 years to us!

The Ordinary Moments

If you know me, you would know that I love having one-on-one conversations with people. The kinds that go late into the night, accompanied by a hot cup of tea. I guess that is my grown up version of the slumber party talks. I just love the fact that I get to go beyond the typical "How are you? I am fine" and dive straight into the lives of the people I care about. 

Lately in my conversations with friends, I have been hearing all sorts of exciting news and travel adventures. But when asked in return, "And how are things with you?" I find myself feeling lost and uncertain. For as long as I remember, I have been replying with a nonchalant "same." But I think my apathetic attitude has slowly turned into a discontent one. Perhaps somewhere deep inside, I knew I was made for more than this. 

I am a dreamer. Call me crazy, but I want to change the world. I want my life to count for something. The one thing I don't want is to waste the precious time God has given me. And sometimes I feel like I am doing exactly that. I want to do something big, but often end up feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed. Maybe my attitude needs to change, more does not mean bigger. Over the weekend, I was once again reminded that our God is extraordinary and that anything he is involved in, including our day-to-day can also be extraordinary (if we choose to see it that way). He never asked me to do anything BIG, just to be obedient and faithful over those little things. So maybe it's time for me to rethink those ordinary moments and live them out as best as I can. 

"Don't underestimate the importance of the ordinary moments: The repetition of the day-to-day matters because change often happens in the places we most easily brush off. We develop eyes to see when we practice the discipline of contentment and gratitude, and we begin to find that those seemingly insignificant places are soaked with God and that this is where the simple becomes extraordinary."

You can read the full article here. It's a good read. ^_^

Children of Light

A reminder for myself: Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.